Loving your imperfect self.

On one occasion, the work in progress with a client reminded me of the importance of learning to love our self. We do not have to become worthy of love, although our fear may and often does tell us that this is necessary. Our initial perceptions of the world and the habits we feel are required to survive in it begin their development in a context in which we are dependent. We are helpless at birth and for a few years after. Our survival through this period is contingent on the kindness of those who care for us. If they did not care for us directly and immediately, we would not survive. Unfortunately, when the care we receive is not completely sensitive to our needs, we feel discomfort; we suffer and, when this is extreme, we can become increasingly afraid. In such a context, we learn to go to great lengths to try and influence others to be available to meet our needs. If this goes as it does for many people, we then end up habitually trying to get others to love us, and so, by extension, we focus on trying to have a perfect approval rating from those in our lives.

If we live long enough to mature, there comes a time when we are quite capable of meeting our own needs. However, often despite this developed capability, we continue to operate in life from the habit of focusing on the feedback we get from others. We continue to operate from the premise that if they approve of us, they will provide care when we need it, so we need not fear. This external focus on the disposition of others towards us prevents us from attending to our internal sense of self. We either focus outwardly on others, inwardly on the self or, if we are well evolved, on both. When we over-attend outwardly, we lose sight of our inner world and correspondingly, when we over-focus inwardly, we lose sight of the outer world.

My client was so focused on the criticisms and demands of her outer world that she was experiencing ongoing torment from the resulting sense of anxiety. She knew that others did not approve of her. She felt that this was a lack on her part, and so had little confidence that she would ever measure up to the expectations of those whose approval she so desperately felt she needed. Fortunately, my suggestion that she find a way to connect with her sense of loving and then choose to include herself within that field of love was something she was ready to hear.

The impact was immediate and significant: her chest relaxed, her shoulders dropped, and her mouth and eyes showed a hint of a smile. We worked to increase this good feeling by challenging the idea that she must become lovable or perish. This woman has been in this world for more than 40 years. Yes, she has experienced some very trying challenges as she has "failed" to meet the expectations she has taken in from others. She has proven very capable of attending to others from a stance of loving acceptance.

My invitation was that she considers whether she was any different than those she could so capably love. Seeing that she was not meaningfully different from them, could she then open her heart to herself. This altered view is what triggered her release of tension. She did not have to become perfect to be loved. It was clear that while she was imperfect, she was still very much lovable. And thanks be to the life force for the gift of life that allows consciousness to exist and find itself worthy of love.

Blame or responsibility

What choice do we have in life? We cannot choose the behavior of others, however much we might wish to. On the other hand we can, according to the limits of our awareness and effort, choose our own behaviour. We really are free to make any choice that we are willing to live with. The difficult aspects of this freedom of choice arise in that all choices create results and that if we don't make good choices we are more likely to experience the results of our choices as a consequence rather than a blessing.

At times I encounter people who are struggling because they do not want to be responsible for their choices. They make the mistake of trying to defer their responsibility by finding an external influence to point to. Many of us like to blame some element of the situation or another person for the results that we experience. Doing this can make us feel more comfortably distant from the results that we don't like but this comfort comes at the cost of whatever power we might have to influence the situation.

This means that if we blame something outside of ourselves for what is happening to us we, at the same time, also assign the power to influence the situation to whatever we are blaming. When I blame you, or it, I am saying that you, or it, have the power and I don't.

It is very nearly impossible to win an argument with a person who is saying that they cannot do something. All they have to do to prove that they are right is nothing. That looks to me to be the next best thing to a sure winner. Put this together with blaming and the result is that when we blame things outside ourselves there is no way to argue against it. Unfortunately, the consequence for us is that when we do this we give up the power to improve the situation. When we insist that it is not my fault it becomes true and if it is not my fault then naturally there is nothing I can do about it.

On the other side of this, when we say that what I experience is up to me, we then claim the power to do something about what we are experiencing. We may not like what we have created but we then have the opportunity to learn to do better with it.

So one of the primary choices we have in life is the choice of accepting or rejecting responsibility which brings with it the power to make changes. I know through my observations that when we make the choice to accept responsibility for our experience we open the doors to increase in power and satisfaction.

As Henry Ford said, “If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.” and you are completely free to choose what you think as you will.

Reducing Negative Reactions

How often have you said or done something you later wished to take back?

Reaction to the perception of a threat can push us into troublesome actions. Our bodies are neurologically hardwired to avoid or defend against whatever appears to be a threat. Our bodies do not question whether the perceived threat is real or in our imagination. Before we know it, our bodies are tensing up. Shortly after that, we are moving into action. Such action could include changes in our breathing pattern, raising our voice, aggressive gesturing or perhaps shrinking away. When we don’t like what is happening, we naturally move to get bigger (defensive posture) or get smaller (avoidance posture).

These automatic and often unconscious reactions can interfere with responding effectively to that unique moment. Such reactions are based on previous experience and tend to be habitual. They interfere with the accuracy of our perceptions of our present circumstances. Inaccurate perceptions then interfere with choosing how we will respond to what is happening. The good news is that with awareness and practice, we can do better. We can learn to recognize and then let go: releasing tension rather than allowing that tension to result in our saying or doing those things we later regret.

Consider how a sailboat gets moving. Energy in the form of wind activates the sail. If there is nothing to hold the sail against the force of the wind, then the wind will merely push the sail aside, and there will be no movement. In contrast, when a line holds the sail against the push of the wind, the resulting resistance will cause the boat to move. In this, we can understand that if there is no resistance, there will be no movement and vice versa: where there is resistance, there will be movement. Now, consider that emotional activation is a form of wind in our body, and physical tension is a form of resistance. We can see how emotion becomes action. Action that is at times regrettable.

Take a moment to scan your body for any indication of tension that you can ease. Notice that as we release our tension, we let go of resistance, allowing the energy of emotion to pass by without pushing us into action. We can observe our activated response without being moved. With some mastery of such practice, we can then learn to observe the push of our emotional activation and, with awareness, better understand and make effective choices.

Wouldn’t that be better than continuing to say or do those things we later regret?